Breaking and Mending

I am weary of  trying so hard and comforted by the knowledge that it is truly alright to rest. I learn a little more each day that it is a false safety that passivity offers. It has taken me some time to get to this fork in the road; Do I want to survive or thrive? It is truly my decision, isn't it? No one gets to take that from me. I can only take it from myself. I am not helpless. Many things have happened to me that have caused me to live in the illusion that life is only worth living in a shell because at least you won't get tossed, broken, used, abandoned or neglected. I have experienced these circumstances over and over again from childhood and they chipped away at my spirit and wrung my heart ragged. I learned from the earliest days of my youth to squeeze my hands tightly around the remnants of my heart so that pain would not rob me of everything and this is how I survived and crept cautiously into adolescence and adulthood. I had fooled myself and everyone around me into thinking that I was free because I chose which cage to dwell in. At this point in my journey, I've chosen to turn on the lights and open the door. Air out the space. I've chosen to do my best to see the mess for all that actually is and to breathe and accept that it is going to take a great deal of hard work to mend and that is ok. It will be worth it because I choose to believe it is even when all of my being rebels against the growing pains. I choose to peer out at the world around me and with hold judgement and ask what I can learn from what I see and there is so much for me to learn. I see random acts of kindness between complete strangers and people falling in love with one another. I see planes passing overhead to destinations unknown and a flicker of longing for travel and adventure illuminates my heart. I see my little ones living in safety and content with who they are in the moment. They cry when they are sad, laugh when they are happy and the present is all that matters. With all my heart I desire for them to become who they are called to be without the inhibition of cages and I realize I do not want them to see their mama live in one.What separates those in cages from the ones who brave the turbulent world are those who believe that they are irreparably broken and those who mend their wounds to the best of their ability and believe that life is ALWAYS worth living and accepting that it involves some wounds dealt by risk. It is the choice to commit to life with open hands and heart because sifting through dirt and silt is worth the promise of gold. I am allowed to break. I am allowed to mend. I am allowed to LIVE and I am on my way, one foot in front of the other, out of this cage and into my God given life.