All is quiet in my home. My two oldest are off with their Nana and my youngest is sleeping peacefully. Blessed silence. Rare silence. My thoughts start to wander. I turn inward. I reflect on the direction of my day and slowly drift towards my responsibilities, to my inadequacies, and further to my insecurities, my fears and anxieties, and my shortcomings, and a sadness and unrest comes over me. I usually find some way to distract from this spiral and the unsettling emotions that accompany it temporarily fade, only to haunt me in my next quiet moment. Today I sat with it. When I could no longer tolerate it on my own, I began to text my husband at work, trying to convey the depth of this void I am experiencing and the restlessness and dissatisfaction with the quality of life I am settling for and the fear of making changes I am grappling with. I am looking to him to soothe my soul, comfort my heart, and silence my fears. His eloquent response to my self-revolving litany of woe? "Sounds like you are feeling true Advent, longing for something more...a waiting a restlessness....Which means you need to shut up, turn your damn phone off and take a few minutes of prayer time. Bye." Nothing like that response to drag me off the merry-go-round of my self absorption and to point me in the right direction. I love this guy.
It is Advent. A time of waiting for Our Savior, and for me, it is a time to allow God to improve the quality of my waiting. I wait, but I am fearful and anxious. I wait, but allow superficial concerns to distract me. I wait but am impatient and distrustful. I wait but turn my music up and my TV on and squander the opportunities of silence that will allow me to know the Savior I am waiting for. I prioritize my voice over His. No wonder my heart is heavy. I am desiring an unwavering peace and the world is wanting even at its best. That peace does not come from the world, myself, or even my wonderful spouse. It comes from the knowledge of God's love, a love I struggle to put my whole faith in but nonetheless I continue to try. This love and the peace it brings are what I long for and what I hope will be my companion on this journey to the manger. I will pray. I will hope. I will wait. And when He comes, there may be my struggles, there may be my hardships, and hopefully there will be peace.
"Do at least as much as the disciples did. They had but little faith; they feared; they had no great confidence or peace, but at least they did not keep away from Christ....Do not keep from him...though he discerns much infirmity in you which ought not be there, yet he will deign to rebuke the winds and the sea and say: 'Peace, be still.'And there will be a great calm." ~J.H. Newman
It's amazing how the never-ending distractions take us further and further away from our center. We think we seek relaxation, but we really seek peace, which is found in quiet activity. I've been there! And I keep having to learn that lesson, time and again.
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