To bloom in winter

This Fall weather has been achingly beautiful. The fiery red and golden hued trees in contrast to the pristine blue sky have nearly brought me to tears. In these moments, I can easily believe in the existence of a loving God. How could He not be, to paint the world in such brilliance all for the pleasure of our eyes to see? On days like these, my step is light and easy and my heart is full. It is amazing how the weather alone can elevate my mood and spirit in a way that nothing else can, and I am kinder, gentler, more patient with my family and myself and I am grateful.

And then the leaves fall all at once. The sun disappears earlier and earlier on the horizon and my joy diminishes with the daylight. A bone chill enters the air and I feel a deep and strange loneliness. I feel a sadness I can't explain and I want to curl up in my bed under my covers and hibernate like all the creatures outside or fly south with the geese. I dread winter. I dread stir craziness that enters my home because my little ones are stuck inside and yearning for the outdoors that I am unwilling to expose myself because my southern blood runs deep and the cold gets to me in minutes. I dread the roads that become icy and sometimes dangerous partially because it forces me to temper my road rage and become somewhat civilized out of fear for my life. As the winter trudges on, I find myself sharpening a bitter edge in my heart. My tone becomes short much more quickly with my children and my patience unravels at the slightest inconveniences. All of those boots, coats, gloves, hats and scarves make me never want to leave my house again and the threat of illness lurking in every corner make me want to seclude even more. I watch my husband's eyes glaze over as I find a new complaint about the weather, winter traffic, the excessive cold, too much snow, etc. Poor man. I am definitely not transformed into a person I would even want to be around and I've allowed this version of myself to rule me as the season changes more and more every year that I have lived in the Midwest. I allow my belief of a loving God to alter into a less benevolent, distant, apathetic character that could give a hoot about how cold it is, how idiotic winter drivers are, how lonely I feel, and what animals my children become, climbing the walls and clamoring to be free of our home we are confined in because mommy is too chicken to brave the cold and ice. I  become consumed with inconvenience and myself and as you can imagine it is miserable and I make sure that my loved ones get to experience my pity party because hey, misery surely loves company. 

Well, I am tired of living this way for a quarter of the year. It is exhausting. I am planted pretty firmly in the Midwest for the time being and I realize I can continue grating God and everyone else's ears with complaints and whining about how much I hate everything and everyone because I'm cold, seclude myself and pine for spring OR I can search out the beauty of the pleasant moments I am granted in the midst of winter, learn to cultivate gratitude in my heart for the simple joys I am granted in the midst of the season's harshness because these moments do happen, and regretfully, I've missed so many while lost in my grievances.

 I've decided to give it a try. I have decided to choose joy, to be mindful of the moments that remind me of the true and enduring love of God, the glittering snow when the moon hits it just right, the smell of smoke emerging from the neighbors chimney, my (hopefully) thriving houseplants in contrast to the naked trees outside, the many dance parties I will have with my little ones, snuggles when they catch a winter illness, my cozy down blanket stuffed into the duvet, fragrant cinnamon and clove boiling in a pot on the stove, the promise of Jesus coming to earth at Christmas, the tang of our Christmas tree and all of those twinkling lights lighting up the early nighttime, an uplifting visit with a friend, the blessing and privilege of heat, running water and food on our table. I will be mindful and take in the moments of sadness, loneliness, and restlessness that I know will still surface and I will choose to let them pass, and hopefully when the snow melts, and the promise of spring comes into the air and signs of life spring up everywhere, I will find that Winter was not all that long because my heart is full of gratitude for the simple joys that I found in a season that formerly filled me with dread and sadness and that it has expanded a little more instead of closed in on itself. This is my hope. This is my challenge and hopefully will be my triumph, to bloom where I am planted even in the harshest of conditions.